Forgiveness was a bit of a mystery to me for much of my life. I forgave and forgave and it was often to the detriment of myself because usually forgiving you meant I was going to blame myself for not being the person I thought I was supposed to be. Are you scratching your head thinking “hmm that feels really convuluted.” My definition of convuluted is “not making logical sense, knotted up, twisted, tangled up so yes it was a very convuluted way of handling forgiveness.
I was a closet, secret “unforgiver.’ I kept tabs of every unkind word or action. It was my amunition for the day you drew the straw that broke the camel’s back. Then I was going to whip out my can of Whoop Ass: the Shame Edition and regurgitate. More often than not, I was the target of the reguritation.
My new paradigm is Forgiveness is for me. God doesn’t forgive because God doesn’t judge. Us humans? Not so much. We judge therefore we have plenty of opportunities to forgive. Then the question for me became how do I know when I have truely forgiven someone? The answer: when that person can walk through my mind unharmed. Did they come up with that answer just for me, Ms. Closet Unforgiver? The spiritual me is all about forgiveness. The human me, the me that has been storing all those resentments is still holding to some really old, stinky, toxic amunition.
Today’s download on forgiveness comes from Life Coach Rhonda Britten – Fearless Living, Fearless Loving, Change Your Life In 30 days, Does This Make Me look Fat?
The person I most have problems forgiving is me. My mental picture was “I’m sorry I’m not _____ so it is perfectly logical that you feel it is right to crap on me. Shifting my paradigm has been met with some resistance on my part. Rhonda Britten spoke of this on her tele conference- Sometimes we beat ourselves up when we are stuck in a place of unforgiveness. As long as we keep working on it by doing self-affirmative actions – we are loosening it up and eventually we will be released. Wow! Thats so much better than how about some pharmaceutical assistance.